When I started this blog I thought that I would divulge everything about me and have no fears about it, including dating. Well, I think I’m still not ready to share too much about my dating life. Mainly because it’s pretty non-existent (I’m fine), and because to talk about my history would mean I would need to talk about the men that I’ve been involved with, and I don’t want to find myself reminiscing. I think of each of them dearly, fondly, sometimes angrily, but I refuse to think of a previous beau negatively, regardless of what happened between us. At my age I really don’t want to spend any time and energy wishing vengeance on someone that I don’t even see anymore. Pointless.

What I will talk about in terms of dating is why I’m fine with not dating. Before I continue, let’s toss up another disclaimer:

I am not closing the door to dating, or marriage, or motherhood. All of that would be great someday. But I cannot completely control any of these things, so come what may. For those of you who believe as I do, I’m leaving it up to God. Basically if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Such is life.

I’ve never been good at dating. In fact I’ve never had a meaningful relationship (it’s ok, I’m fine) where I get to see whoever it is that I’m dating on a regular basis (i.e. at least twice a week). I don’t really know what it’s like to meet someone else’s family, or be someone’s regular +1 to some event, or be the other half of a pair (except Kelle constantly refers to me as her other half, that’s different, she’s my BFF). I’ve been asked countless times, “Where’s your boyfriend?”, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?”, “Why aren’t you married yet?”, “When are you going to add to the family?”, etc. My default answer is now, “Ask God.”

When I was younger it used to really bother me. I felt pressured to produce a boyfriend that I could bring to parties, talk about to family and friends, and travel with. I thought, I have to find someone, and he has to be someone good, otherwise I’d hear it left and right about how I could do better.

And then I stopped. Do you see what I was doing? I was like a casting director (Well…I did want to be a casting director after I finished college. My, how that ship sailed.) trying to find a leading man for my audience. Not for me. Ok well, partly for me. In all honesty I wasn’t even putting myself out there, but I was constantly thinking of what was being asked of me, and I was planning on how I would even go about finding this guy.

Ahhhhhhhhh it all sounds like so much WORK. And what was I doing in the meantime? I was trying to find a job I was happy with. I was trying to save up enough money to move out of my parents’ house and live independently. I was trying to be happy with myself. You know that saying that goes, “How can you expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself?” That was my biggest problem. I was a lot harder on myself before than I am now (I think). I was so incredibly critical that I unintentionally convinced myself no one could ever want to be in a relationship with me because I didn’t like me. I didn’t know who I was. Does that sound like a joy to be around? Can you imagine any poor fella who would have dated me, how much work they would have to do to keep my spirits up? What a chore.

I stopped trying to find someone for the sake of others thinking I should be in a relationship because in the last 5 years, when I hit an all time low in terms of my mental health (we’ll save that for another post for now), I made a huge reassessment of my life. I stopped having a piss-poor pity party and realized this whole time that I had been without a significant other, I was fine. I’m fine. What the hell was I trippin’ off of?! In terms of a job I was happy with…it took a few tries, but I got it. I moved out. I’m still living by myself and it’s phenomenal. I don’t have to worry about closing doors, picking up after anyone but myself, I can watch whatever I want to watch, go to sleep whenever I want, play whatever music I want, come and go as I please without having to check in with anyone. Is this it for me? By all means, no. I still have more goals and aspirations, just a new kickoff point that I didn’t think I would ever reach. And I’m grateful.

I started embracing my singlehood. Anytime someone would ask me the donde esta boyfriend pregunta (I apologize for my broken Spanish), I’d essentially throw questions back at them like, “Why do I need one?” or “So, am I a loser because I’m single?” or “What’s wrong with being single?” They stammer. Or try to save face by sheepishly trying to pay me a compliment. “Well you’re pretty, you should have a boyfriend.” Ok first of all, thanks, but have you seen me in the morning? Woof. Second of all, what am I supposed to say to that? And what on the few green spaces left of God’s earth does that even mean??? I’m not trying to sound full of myself, but that little conversation actually happened.

I know some people have good intentions but it made me think, if this is a reflection of the way society has been conditioned to view the value of single people, particularly women, then I have a responsibility to influence a shift in that mindset. I’ve lost track of how many articles and blog posts I’ve read of fellow singles who have to defend their singlehood to others, and at times it gets upsetting. Why should we even have to?

It took a long time for me to embrace the adult that I’ve grown to be, and I won’t have anyone devaluing my life simply because I don’t have a man or children. Mother Teresa didn’t have a husband or children, was her life meaningless? I’m nowhere near being the person she was, but hopefully you get my point. I understand everyone deserves someone to love and be loved, but…go back to my disclaimer up there.

Look, finding a man that I can be compatible with and trust with every fiber of my being is not as easy as picking up some milk and eggs from the grocery store. It’s hard for me to trust, and to be willing to give up the single life that I’ve worked so hard to own and have become incredibly protective of. There’s pride in ownership, and I couldn’t be more prouder of the single life I’ve created for myself through God’s grace and guidance. I’m keeping my options open, but continuing to live my life as best as I possibly can. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be what defines any of us.

For me, the reality is I may never find someone to share my life with, and that’s ok. It has to be ok. If my life were to end today, I don’t want to look at it and think, dang, what a waste. What do I even have in my life if I don’t have a significant other?

• I’ve been blessed with a huge family who, without even knowing, renews my spirits when I feel like shutting the world out, just by being their crazy selves.
• I have amazing, amazing, amazing friends that I’m convinced are angels, because they simply understand me. They’re the best friends a weirdo like me could ever ask for and whenever I spend time with any of them I can’t believe they choose to be in my life.
• I’m lucky enough to work for a firm that works tirelessly to create positive change in the world; the dedication and selflessness of my colleagues motivates me and gives me a feeling of purpose in supporting them in every way possible.
• I belong to a church who, despite its faults, keeps me grounded and inspires me to spread kindness, forgiveness, and compassion.
• I volunteer at the airport to help people who are lost, maybe even afraid, possibly even disoriented. It’s rewarding for me to feel that even answering the simplest of questions could give a stranger reassurance that things are going to be fine.
• Most importantly, I have God on my side. Sure there are moments when I feel a little bit alone, but I quickly remind myself that I am never alone, I’m never abandoned or forgotten. If that were the case, I wouldn’t be where I am today. God’s got me, and I’ve got Him. It also took me a long time to realize and accept that I’m never fully in control of my life, and it’s actually quite relieving to know that when I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, God has a plan for me. I trust that if He wants me to be someone’s wife and mother, He will get me there. He has never failed me. If I don’t have faith, then I have nothing.

As the last few hours of 2017 remain, I really don’t have any idea what 2018 has in store for me. Is there a beau in my future? We’ll find out. Whoever it is should be warned, it’s going to be an uphill battle if you want to be with me. Because I’ve found myself on a crusade to stand up for the single status, to rid the stigma that being single means that life doesn’t have much purpose and is unfulfilled, and really to make people stop and think before they speak about single people joining the exclusive clubs of relationship-hood and parenthood. I mean, geez, let’s have all the single people pair up and have kids just because that’s what YOU think we should do!

If you’re a single person facing similar annoying questions, take heart in this: don’t be afraid of the perception people may have that you are alone. That perception could very well be their fear of being alone themselves, and their envy that you can (you CAN) swing it flying solo, while they’re too afraid. To quote one of my co-workers (thanks Michelle!): live your best life.

The next time you find yourself trying to find what to say to a single person, perhaps stay clear of the direct questions about the lack of a significant other (personally, I can’t stand when someone says “What? Why not? You can have anyone you want!” – uh, no, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be single, but here I am) or a child. How do you know what this person is going through? How do you know their heartache, or if they’re physically capable of creating life? You don’t. Just don’t even go there.

Even if you do slip up, it’s ok. Because I’d like to think single folks like me are used to this kind of thing. We nod, we smile, we may deflect and steer the convo to a less annoying direction, and do you know why? Because we’re fine.